I did work on my list of 50 things I like about me. It is a good exercise when you need to remind yourself that you are worth loving. I know this deep inside. I know that my marriage falling apart is not a reflection on my quality as a human being or makes me a failure. Some days it is easier to remember that than others.
The last couple of days have been particularly bad ones. M. is still abroad and now she is back in town with him. I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter to me. M. and I are separating and in all likelihood my marriage is over, and it doesn’t matter if in this time he wants to seek the comfort of somebody else. I can’t stop thinking about it though. I hate that I’m in our home being constantly reminded of all we had and all I’ve lost, and M. gets to be in a guiltless limbo with people that don’t know me and don’t care about how much pain they are causing me.
Yesterday, I spent all day with friends who made it their mission to distract me from the fact she was back with M. Still, I wrote M. a goodnight message. I couldn’t really sleep; I knew I wanted to talk to him. We talked in the middle of the night once he woke up. It was a lot more guilt assigning. We then talked again in the late morning. Tempers were a bit calmer. It was the only conversation I’ve had with M. in the past three weeks that doesn’t make me feel worse.
We are both trying to stay friends. We acknowledge that at least the way we were carrying our relationship was not good for either of us. Although, I was much better at letting go and letting myself be happy in my blissful ignorance. I still want to believe that we can be the right people for each other. But every day I believe it less. M., in many ways, wants a cheerleader. He wants someone that will blindly support him every time in anything no questions asked, and I just don’t do unquestioning. I prod and probe, and I analyze and I challenge. My faith and support need convincing. But once given, they are strong and genuine and loving. M. is tired of convincing me. I’m tired of being called heartless or faithless for asking questions.
I fully believe we can have a friendly separation. We have no real assets and no children. It is a matter of untangling the lines that tie us together. But I don’t just want to be friendly. I want to be his friend. It is easier said than done. I don’t want to push it or rush it. We both need space to mourn the loss of our marriage. But I’m afraid that if I give M. too much space he will just drift into his own world and I will never see him again. I’m afraid that if I don’t give myself enough space I will end up resenting him or worse, forever in love with him.
It is not up to me to save my marriage. That choice has been made without me. Saving our friendship? Are we being completely naïve?