Still Hurting

I has been two weeks since that day at the therapist when I was begging M. to give us a shot. Back then I kept playing this song from the musical “The Last Five Years” on repeat, “Still Hurting”. It is the first song of the musical, sang from Cathy’s perspective as she is telling the story of how her marriage fell apart. In many ways Jamie is very similar to M., successful, charming, needs constant validation, and ultimately unfaithful. Cathy and I have some things in common as well, we are both insecure and we don’t take rejection well, although I’m successful as well and my career hasn’t struggled.  Here goes the song with a few comments:

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie’s decided it’s time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he’s building upon
And I’m still hurting

M. decided by himself that he was done. He made the choice and was gone. He looked at the dreams we had together and decided they were no longer his dreams. He actually called our 9 years relationship “sunk cost”.

Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie’s convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I’m still hurting

M. is definitely convinced that the problems are mine. I was the neglectful spouse, the one that didn’t put her life on pause to constantly validate him. He has continued to blame me for the way he feels, and the way he acts. He is only impatient and intolerant with me, other people do not make him act that way. I do think there is a part of him that hurts as well. The part that is not letting him rewrite our history and make me into a monster. There is part of M. that knows I am smart, funny, kind, and beautiful; that nobody (including my future self) will ever love him with the same youthful abandonment that I loved him. He had something good that he threw away in the search for something better that may never come.

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you?

What about his affair? What about the promises he made? Does M. really think that he is blameless?

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it’s his right to decide
Jamie’s got secrets he doesn’t confide
And I’m still hurting

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it’s simple
Like it’s right..

He doesn’t want to be the guy that went abroad and met someone else and left his wife. Too bad for him, really. He is running and running away, like it’s simple. I’m actually a bit surprised about just how easy it has been for him.

Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I’d see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all

I wish I had had more time. According to M. he lost his best friend years ago, he has been so unhappy and miserable because of my failings. I wish I had had more time to get to his level. I wish I had understood the emotional abuse and how I was losing myself before. I wish someone had told me six month ago, so this pain would be six months old. Mostly, I wish I could have one more happy day with him, even if full of lies.

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there’s somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn’t change the fact
That wouldn’t speed the time
Once the foundation’s cracked
And I’m
Still Hurting 

Covered in scars I did nothing to earn. Well, I wouldn’t say nothing. I won’t pretend that I was the perfect wife, the perfect friend or the perfect partner. I tried my best. A friend of mine recently said that the wrong guy won’t love you at your best, but the right guy would think you are still worth it at your worst. M. was a partner just for the good times, for when I was happy and ready to validate his feelings. When M. went through cancer, when he was obese, when his grandmother died, when he needed math tutoring, I was there. I held his hand, I helped him diet and exercise and get to a healthy weight, I traveled to the other side of the world to cry with him, I spent my spring break junior year of college teaching him calculus. Yes, these are some old examples. I started a PhD program and I have not been all sunshine and rainbows, but M., he couldn’t handle that. The right guy would wait for me and would appreciate the good moments we get to have together.

I wish I wasn’t hurting, but this is temporary, this too shall pass.

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4 thoughts on “Still Hurting

  1. It amazes me that for many situations like this the players are different, but the stories share SO many similarities.

    It’s one thing when a relationship breaks down over time. It’s quite another when someone just suddenly withdraws and changes, and starts acting in a very selfish and self absorbed way – taking no responsibility for their actions and blaming others for the situation they are in.

    A lot of people run into this scenario, and they feel completely blindsided. Their partner usually was unhappy for a long time, and didn’t bother telling them. Nothing was said, and although they may have noticed a distance they thought things were “alright”. Then suddenly, it’s over. The leaving partner has made up their mind and checked out long before the other partner even knows there’s a problem.

    Of course, they are told they “should have known”. Because obviously things weren’t good.

    Hmm, maybe. But maybe they should have said something. Talked about how they were feeling instead of stewing on it and growing resentful. Given things a chance before it was too late.

    My personal belief is, and will always be that when these sort of things happen, there is some sort of underlying mental illness. That doesn’t excuse the behavior. But it’s easier to believe then the idea that the partner you loved for years and built your life around has suddenly become an asshole.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The whole process sucks, but I just went through a blindsided divorce last year. Be thankful at this point you had no children together or gets very messy. It gets better though, it’s just not something that happens overnight unfortunately.

    Like

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