48 hours from Hell

In my last post I mentioned that I wish that I had had more time to get to M.’s level.  The song asked “give me a day, bring back the lies”.  When that’s impossible, it sounds perfect.  When you are going through an unwanted divorce one more day of lies sounds like a gift from God.  If only you had known that your marriage was about to fall apart but you could get one day.  One more day to appreciate it all.  You think you want that, but you really really don’t.

M. gave me one more day.  On Sunday he reached out, after two weeks of total silence.  He had a pretty lame excuse, but we got talking.  We eventually went to dinner and then he came back to my place. He said he was ready to be my husband, that he was sorry and everything had been his fault.  He said that he had been an idiot, he wasn’t unhappy with me as much as he thought he could be happier somewhere else.  He apologized for everything and then promised me everything.

It was amazing.  Everything I wanted was there for the taking.  M. was loving and understanding.  We didn’t sleep together, because we wanted to do things right.  We talked about putting our rings back on, but we wanted to do it together and M.’s ring was still at his place.  We talked about children and getting the Church wedding I never got.  I told M. I wanted my independence and he said yes to everything.

And we laugh, we hugged and kissed.  We suffered because we respected the fact we weren’t going to sleep together.  We were so happy and it was so perfect, but it was so fake.

The morning after M.  wrote me to tell me that he had not slept all night.  He was feeling a lot of anxiety, had been shaking all night and was generally a basket case.  He was just really scared, and he didn’t want to hurt me.

We had said we would see each other today but I couldn’t make it happens for dinner, so i suggested that we just talk on the phone.  M. said he didn’t want to talk to me before seeing his doctor because he didn’t want to risk another “reaction” (as if I’m responsible for his anxiety). I knew we were in trouble, he said he didn’t want to hurt me any more.

I waited for a while, I was also still working, but eventually I just called him.  I needed to know how much of Sunday was real. None of it was real.  M.  says he loves me, and wants to be with me still. But he is not ready for any of the things we talked on Sunday, he is not ready to actually be my husband or commit.  He can’t even promise me fidelity if we go to marriage counseling.

He claims that it is not about actually sleeping with other people, it is about feeling like he is not accountable to anyone.  True freedom.

I didn’t think he could ever be this cruel and manipulative.  He saw that I was doing better, I was getting stronger and working on moving on and he pulled me back in.  He promised me all I wanted, he said all the right things.  He pulled me back in the game, and then he took it all away.

I thought that I had protected myself on Sunday, I knew it was too good to be true and I was guarded.  Yet, he somehow managed to break my broken heart into even smaller pieces.  I just hope it doesn’t derail my progress.


6 thoughts on “48 hours from Hell

  1. Wow, so much of this hits home.

    You mention anxiety – does M have an anxiety issue/disorder?

    I’ve heard variations on these words so many times, and have spent a long time trying to understand things like depression/anxiety disorders and what they can do to people. There are different types of disorders, and different severities. But I have to tell you, a lot of what you are saying sounds symptomatic of severe anxiety.

    The loss of “self”, the desire to be “free” (in an unrealistic way that will never be found), the complete breakdown of empathy and narcissistic focus on self. It’s all too common I’m afraid.

    And often the people who have these “breaks” later look back and say “what the hell have I done”, but they come to that realization far too late, and after far too much damage has been done.

    I know it doesn’t make it easier, but know that you aren’t alone.


    1. I don’t know if he has an anxiety disorder, thankfully he is seeing a professional so he will be able to get help if he needs it. I hear you about the fact that too much damage has been done. I was doing a lot better before Sunday, and now I feel not quite as bad as I did a few weeks ago, but pretty bad.

      Thank you for your support. I know that I am not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. I’m just seeing this so I know it’s dated but I feel compelled to comment. He is selfish. And not well. Don’t fall for it if he puts you through it again. If he was whole and complete, I’d say different. He’s not sure what he wants. And time has proven it, I suppose. Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. It really sucks that he us this way, although I guess I’ll be grateful that that false reconciliation happened rather quickly. I’m happy he didn’t pretend he wanted what I wanted and then kept on having affairs on the side. He just told me he couldn’t do the whole fidelity thing while he figure things out. That generally just shows that he doesn’t respect me or our marriage. I just can’t wait around for him to snap out of it. He doesn’t know how to be happy and I deserve to be treated better than this.

      Liked by 1 person

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