In my last post I mentioned that I wish that I had had more time to get to M.’s level. The song asked “give me a day, bring back the lies”. When that’s impossible, it sounds perfect. When you are going through an unwanted divorce one more day of lies sounds like a gift from God. If only you had known that your marriage was about to fall apart but you could get one day. One more day to appreciate it all. You think you want that, but you really really don’t.
M. gave me one more day. On Sunday he reached out, after two weeks of total silence. He had a pretty lame excuse, but we got talking. We eventually went to dinner and then he came back to my place. He said he was ready to be my husband, that he was sorry and everything had been his fault. He said that he had been an idiot, he wasn’t unhappy with me as much as he thought he could be happier somewhere else. He apologized for everything and then promised me everything.
It was amazing. Everything I wanted was there for the taking. M. was loving and understanding. We didn’t sleep together, because we wanted to do things right. We talked about putting our rings back on, but we wanted to do it together and M.’s ring was still at his place. We talked about children and getting the Church wedding I never got. I told M. I wanted my independence and he said yes to everything.
And we laugh, we hugged and kissed. We suffered because we respected the fact we weren’t going to sleep together. We were so happy and it was so perfect, but it was so fake.
The morning after M. wrote me to tell me that he had not slept all night. He was feeling a lot of anxiety, had been shaking all night and was generally a basket case. He was just really scared, and he didn’t want to hurt me.
We had said we would see each other today but I couldn’t make it happens for dinner, so i suggested that we just talk on the phone. M. said he didn’t want to talk to me before seeing his doctor because he didn’t want to risk another “reaction” (as if I’m responsible for his anxiety). I knew we were in trouble, he said he didn’t want to hurt me any more.
I waited for a while, I was also still working, but eventually I just called him. I needed to know how much of Sunday was real. None of it was real. M. says he loves me, and wants to be with me still. But he is not ready for any of the things we talked on Sunday, he is not ready to actually be my husband or commit. He can’t even promise me fidelity if we go to marriage counseling.
He claims that it is not about actually sleeping with other people, it is about feeling like he is not accountable to anyone. True freedom.
I didn’t think he could ever be this cruel and manipulative. He saw that I was doing better, I was getting stronger and working on moving on and he pulled me back in. He promised me all I wanted, he said all the right things. He pulled me back in the game, and then he took it all away.
I thought that I had protected myself on Sunday, I knew it was too good to be true and I was guarded. Yet, he somehow managed to break my broken heart into even smaller pieces. I just hope it doesn’t derail my progress.