Me versus Gravity

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I’ve been doing great. I’ve been productive and feeling powerful. I have been too busy to feel alone or sad or angry. I’m always at my best when I’m getting things done; when I’m killing it by finishing my to-do-list. It is no secret that I struggle with productivity. I’ve always worked in bursts – getting things done against the clock and then needing some time off to recharge. I’ve always felt that if only I could work at the same burst-like speed always, I would be even better, unstoppable. But, there always comes a time when I can’t do it anymore. Somehow, I’ve always been successful. I think that it irked M. that I wouldn’t study as hard, or spend as long writing essays, but that I would often outscore him. I was in a hard science, a pretty tough department, and had a higher GPA, graduated with more honors. I outscored him at the SATs, the IB diploma, the GREs… I got 5 acceptances to different PhD programs, while he didn’t get in and had to wait a year to start a less competitive master’s program.

M. made me feel terrible for my off times, my valleys of productivity. He would see me not working and judge me, reprimand me even. Since starting his master’s M. always goes around the world in a neurotic frenzy, always working, always busy. He would take time off to spend it with me, and then complain about how behind he was. I started feeling ashamed of my off days, like I don’t work as hard as other people, like I’m undeserving of every success. Or every small failure could have been avoided if I had worked harder and been better.

So really, I can’t emphasize enough how great I feel when I’m working. When I get 8, 10, 12 hours of work done. I’ve been on a two week winning streak and feeling on top of the world. I handed in a completely manuscript to my advisor, I got on top of my lab work and I’ve been studying non-stop for my preliminary exams – the last thing between me and my PhD (other than my dissertation).  After my prelims, I will be a full-fledged PhD candidate.

But of course, it wasn’t meant to last. Last night, at midnight, I got a text from a guy friend informing me that M. was out on a date at a local bar. This is clearly not very good friend behavior, he has other issues around, and unfortunately this is not the first time he brings unwanted drama to my life. I read his text at 3:00am, and proceeded to spend a restless night. So many questions going through my head: Did M. break up with his European AP? Or is his European AP in town? Is he randomly dating now? What happened to that girl who “understood him like no one else could”? I texted back to let my friend know I was not interested in hearing updates about M.’s romantic life (really I’m not interested in hearing about M.’s life period). This morning my friend apologized for being out of line and acting like a jerk. Not that does me much good.

Honestly, I didn’t expect to care either way, and in many ways I don’t. But I’ve still managed to feel like crap all day. I couldn’t focus and study, and get my work done. I started the downward spiral of feeling terrible, not working, and feeling terrible for not working. My time before my exam is so precious that if I’m not studying I’m wasting time. I’m letting this get to me, and sabotaging myself. I can’t study because I’m agitated and it agitates me further not to study.

And that stage with all the uncertainties is back all of the sudden:

  • is M. single?
  • is M. dating around?
  • M. is going to bars? M. hates bars!
  • Who on Earth goes to a bar at midnight on a Tuesday?!
  • And why do I care? Where is my awesome not caring self? Why is she in hiding?
  • Why did he just throw away our marriage with an affair if he wasn’t going to stick around for it afterwards?
  • Why did he need to get rid of me so badly?
  • Is there something about me that somehow makes me particularly unlovable?
  • How did I fail at THIS so miserably when I was trying so hard?

Is that it? Am I more upset at the fact that M. dating around means that it was for nothing? Or did he leave me because of me and not because of her? More than the thought of M. being able to date around and find his true love forever, I think those thoughts really upset me. I’m comfortable with the narrative of M. leaving me to be with his AP in ways that I’m not comfortable with the narrative of M. just simply not wanting to be with me.

I thought I was done with these feelings. I’ve worked really hard to build my new life, and it was going so well. I’ve had weeks of pretending that my divorce was a faraway nightmare.  Being left was just something another me had gone through in a faraway land a long time ago.

I didn’t want to start asking questions and having feelings again. I guess I’ve officially lost my two week winning streak, and tomorrow will be a new day.

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15 thoughts on “Me versus Gravity

  1. Get thee to chump lady and read about not untangling the skein. The fuckedupedness has NO end. NO rhyme or reason. NO thing to do with you. There’s no advice or words I can say, because it just hurts so bad. But chump lady makes me feel way less crash and burn, less crazy.

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    1. Hehe, yeah, I love chump lady. I need to stop thinking so much. Keep practicing detachment. I really does us no good to try to figure them out. My self-worth really shouldn’t be tied to M.’s opinion of me, and most days it absolutely isn’t, but then there are the other days, when the rational part of me is not as loud as it should be.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe it’s the thought that so many of us have….”nobody on the face of the planet deserves to be happy less than they do.” It’s difficult to see and hear about these scumbags, out dating, shacking up with women, having a grand old time…after they have literally destroyed so many lives.

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    1. Yeah, maybe. As I’ve said before. I’m going to keep working on the detachment thing. I don’t want to just wait until life becomes fair. I only control my own life, so I’m going to try to be happy and stop thinking about what M. is going through.

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      1. Yeah, waiting for “life to become fair” leaves us wanting most of the time, even to the point of “leaving” the earth, I guess. I don’t want retribution to be served in the “after life.” Who the hell cares then? LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  3. “Or did he leave me because of me and not because of her?”

    I think maybe the right answer is neither, he left you because of him. Often people give the “it’s not you, it’s me” line as a way of trying to soften a blow, while in their head they actually think yeah, it is because of you. Because I want something better, or different, or…
    …whatever.

    But really it is them. It is them caught up in their own issues and insecurities. Them caught up in their selfishness, where they are in a relationship because of what they get out of it – not because they are building a team or a partnership.

    Don’t beat yourself up over something you will never fully understand. And truthfully, he probably won’t either.

    Just take care of yourself.

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    1. Thanks Drew. I think this is one of those things that I obviously know. People not loving me or not liking me is not necessarily a reaction to me as much as it is a consequence of who they are. I still think that M.’s big problem in life is that he doesn’t know how to be happy so he is always looking for the next adventure. Some days my emotions just get the better of me, I’m a lot more centered today. Thanks for your wisdom as usual.

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      1. He’s likely unhappy in life, and is looking at all the external reasons why. So he’ll try new/different things, and they will make him happier for a bit. Then the rush fades, so he looks for “the next high”.

        But he won’t find it if it’s really a void within him. Because until you learn to fill that void on your own by facing your own issues and insecurities and accepting yourself in spite of them, that is a void that can never be filled.

        I think a lot of people who are chronically unhappy and in search of happiness struggle with this same thing.

        Just my 2 cents.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. This is exactly why I’m been working so hard into finding what makes me happy in my current like. I have also been in that mentality before the “I would be happy if only…”. Now I’m just saying “I can totally be happy today” and I do the things that make me happy and I try to encourage strong reciprocal friendships. I’m avoiding a new relationship because I’ll be too tempting to try to use someone else to make me happy. I’m officially taking the scenic route and hoping to see some wonders along the way :).

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  5. Wth?! Ugh! I hate this downward spiral. I’m sorry it’s consumed you. I hope he stays far away from you and your brain.

    So, I’m not quite understanding… is M back in town for good? Or just visiting? I would punch him for you if I saw him. I promise. And his whore. Sorry. But I would. Lol

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    1. M. is back. He needed to come back and finish his master’s, he’ll leave again in May. But his AP is still in Europe and I guess they are not together anymore (they definitely were dating and even went on a trip to Asia together over Christmas break) or maybe they are not exclusive since he was out on a date with someone else. I really don’t keep tabs on him though, so I don’t even know. But I wouldn’t advocate violence hehe.
      Also, I’m doing much better today. I think I needed to just get a good night’s rest to shut off my brain.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad to hear. Proper rest does wonders!

        Whatever his situation is, since he’s here I hope he leaves you alone. And since I can’t punch him, it pleases me to hear he’s not doing well with her and is fast tracking to being a disaster. Xo

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  6. If he was mature he would have rejoiced in your grades, your PhD acceptances, your successes. If you had stayed married he would have been jealous of any children you had. He is still a child. He is probably charming and you equate that with good morals.

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    1. Part of his public persona is the “humanitarian” who is trying to help everyone, and a lot of people don’t see further on than that. But yeah, he can be charming, although he is also very divisive. People always either love him or hate him.

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