I know I have been mostly MIA for the past couple of months. Partly, because my pain has slowed down and I don’t need release in the same way I just don’t have as much to say, and partly because the one post I’ve really wanted to share is hard to draft.
M. left me.
There is a faint but ever present layer of grief that covers everything in my life. It is like seeing the world in colors, but everything is slightly dimmed, whitewashed. There is just so much grief in divorce. You grieve for your lost partner, best friend, lover, and teammate. You grieve the future that you wanted to have together; you grieve the marriage that you thought you had. You even grieve your identify as a married person. Continue reading
It has been a while since my last post. About 10 days ago M and I signed the divorce papers. I’m grateful that we managed to untangle ourselves without much more drama. Unfortunately, I spent all of last week just being sad and moping around my life.
Last week, while overwhelmed with sadness, I wrote a letter to the people at Elder Wisdom Circle, a nonprofit organization designed to connect people with free advice from Elders. Early this week, I received of the kindest letters I have ever read, so I thought I would share some of its wisdom with you guys: Continue reading
When M. first talked to me about the problems with our marriage, my first reaction was to say I was sorry. I thought he was right and everything was my fault that I had been insufficient, imperfect and unsatisfactory. It was so hard for me to talk to him and tell him my complains, to stand up for myself. So I took advantage of our time difference to write him a letter. I opened my heart in the way I thought was safe to do with my husband and my forever life partner. This was before he cheated, and before he walked away on me. But I knew that he was confused, I could feel him pulling further and further away from me.
I recently started reading Chump Lady (www.chumplady.com) -CL, and making my way through the archive. I find her point of view refreshing, and makes me appreciate the fact that my relationship with M. collapsed in a matter of months and I did not spend years trying to make it work with him, playing the “humiliating dance of pick me”.
In my last post I mentioned that I wish that I had had more time to get to M.’s level. The song asked “give me a day, bring back the lies”. When that’s impossible, it sounds perfect. When you are going through an unwanted divorce one more day of lies sounds like a gift from God. If only you had known that your marriage was about to fall apart but you could get one day. One more day to appreciate it all. You think you want that, but you really really don’t.