Today was a good day. Not a “not sad” day or an “above average” day. Today was a good day.
I still woke up alone and went to bed alone. But I wasn’t lonely.
Today I had science, I had friends, I had flirting with strangers, I had my own mightiness.
Today, I also had to face some of M.’s fangirls. I was there, in his school, for hours and hours. I was riding a high from being with friends and being appreciated because I had volunteered to help. Some people stared daggers at me, people that I had called friends pretended I didn’t exist, some unknowing person asked me when M. was coming back from abroad. “Well, I don’t know, specially given that M. is currently staying with some other girl”. Yet, today was a good day.
For today, for an entire day, I deeply believed that everything will be okay. Tomorrow might be a day full of sorrow, who the heck knows? But today was a good day.
When M. first talked to me about the problems with our marriage, my first reaction was to say I was sorry. I thought he was right and everything was my fault that I had been insufficient, imperfect and unsatisfactory. It was so hard for me to talk to him and tell him my complains, to stand up for myself. So I took advantage of our time difference to write him a letter. I opened my heart in the way I thought was safe to do with my husband and my forever life partner. This was before he cheated, and before he walked away on me. But I knew that he was confused, I could feel him pulling further and further away from me.
I can’t believe that today it has only been a month since the “final” end of my marriage. In some ways, it feels like it happened yesterday, but in other ways it feels so far away. My identity as a married person feels almost foreign now.
I know that divorce is painful, and healing takes time, but I need to work. I need to be able to focus on my research without thinking about M. I need to be able to say to my brain: “Enough! I get it, you are sad, get over it!”. Right now I have a 20% success rate, and it needs to be more like 90%. How can I get there? What do I do to stay focus?
I recently started reading Chump Lady (www.chumplady.com) -CL, and making my way through the archive. I find her point of view refreshing, and makes me appreciate the fact that my relationship with M. collapsed in a matter of months and I did not spend years trying to make it work with him, playing the “humiliating dance of pick me”.
In my last post I mentioned that I wish that I had had more time to get to M.’s level. The song asked “give me a day, bring back the lies”. When that’s impossible, it sounds perfect. When you are going through an unwanted divorce one more day of lies sounds like a gift from God. If only you had known that your marriage was about to fall apart but you could get one day. One more day to appreciate it all. You think you want that, but you really really don’t.
I has been two weeks since that day at the therapist when I was begging M. to give us a shot. Back then I kept playing this song from the musical “The Last Five Years” on repeat, “Still Hurting”. It is the first song of the musical, sang from Cathy’s perspective as she is telling the story of how her marriage fell apart. In many ways Jamie is very similar to M., successful, charming, needs constant validation, and ultimately unfaithful. Cathy and I have some things in common as well, we are both insecure and we don’t take rejection well, although I’m successful as well and my career hasn’t struggled. Here goes the song with a few comments: