A Special Type of Shame

I know I have been mostly MIA for the past couple of months. Partly, because my pain has slowed down and I don’t need release in the same way I just don’t have as much to say, and partly because the one post I’ve really wanted to share is hard to draft.

M. left me.

I didn’t chose this. Despite the fact that M. emotionally abused me, and he cheated, and he was entitled, and he mistreated me the last few months, HE left ME.

M. met someone else.

I thought I was irreplaceable, a special snowflake. I thought our love was unique and special, and almost sacred. But he met someone else and left me. I was precisely replaceable.

M. was always an asshole.

Today, I can see the abuse mingled with the kind gestures. I can see the entitlement and the condescension and the talking down to. It’s harsh to realize that I spent nine years with an asshole. This was not a sudden change in personality, M. didn’t act and become untrue to himself, this was just a reflection of who he really is.

M. didn’t know how to be happy.

There was always something missing for him, one thing that he always had to change to be happy. “Let’s move to Europe” and so we moved; “let’s start a PhD program” and so I did [he didn’t get in]; “Let’s go to Texas” ans so we went; “let’s go on a cruise, we need a vacation” could we afford it? did it mattered to him?; “let’s get divorced” okay.

M. chose this.

I forgave him, I struggled, I set boundaries, I did my best to respect myself. I wasn’t pretending or playing games. I told him what I wanted, I communicated. But when push came to shove, he chose her, and he broke my heart.

This is a special type of shame. I hear from the women that walked out, that did not tolerate abuse. The ones that saw infidelity and drew a line, and I’m not one of them. I set a boundary and I enforced it eventually, that day at the marriage counselor. I requested fidelity, and I was denied and I didn’t beg. I simply let him walk out.

I’m being an adult, I’m being civil, I try my best. I’m dealing with the consequences of M. leaving and actively rebuilding my life. I don’t talk to him if I can help it. I’ve accepted my new fate, this new stage.

But I’m very aware that this was not my choice. That I let someone else make those decisions and all I’ve done is just face the very human fact that I can’t control other people’s actions.

How can I stand next to people who are much braver than me?

Even now, after all he has done, I just want my old life back. No, I wouldn’t take him back, but if I could, I would rewind time and make this not have happened.

I would stay with the asshole who was mistreating me, because back then I was ignorant and blissful. And I would trade my dignity, and the whole “being an active participant” if I could just have my old carefree life back.

I hear people say “divorce was the best thing that happened to me” and I think they must be lying or on drugs. I would do almost anything to have been spared this pain. Even though I know that the problem was not what M. did but just the general calibre of M. values and morals, I still wish I could wind back time.